People Share Their Best Jokes to Tell Friends

Ever noticed how laughing at jokes gives you this unique feeling that you just can't describe? Jokes are like magic spells; they turn strangers into buddies and make the world feel like one big happy family. They make our hearts lighter, helping us face tough times with a smile.

Laughter is the secret weapon against life's worries. When we share a laugh, it's like passing around a warm hug. Jokes help us shake off pain and bring a burst of energy.

So if you want some punch lines to use when you attend a family gathering or meet up with friends, check out these killer jokes from Reddit users that will leave people in stitches.

Comments have been edited for grammar and clarity.

1. This One Nailed It

u/MissDeeMeenor: I went to the doctor recently. He said, "Don't eat anything fatty." I asked, "What, like bacon and burgers?". He replied, "No. fatty, don't eat anything."

2. Termite's Big Punch Line

u/Pee_Diddy: A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Is the bartender here?"

3. The Nudist Colony Mischief

u/PunkRockFFatBeats: Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it.

4. A Juicy Twist on the Lemonade Philosophy

u/Charlie_the_kid: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

5. Lifeguard's Double Trouble

u/kklewis18: Yesterday, I couldn't figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.

6. Mother's Hilarious Responses to Daughters' Curious Questions

u/ShuffleAlliance: A woman walks home with her three daughters: Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. Rose asks her mother, "Mom, why did you name me Rose?" To which her mother replies, "Well, sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!"

Lily, curious now, asks her mother, "Mom, why did you name me after a flower, too?" To which her mother replies, "Well, sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!" Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? Dnbgh!??!"

7. Husband's Puke Cover-up Plan Takes a Hilarious Turn

u/bhowandthehows: A man had been drinking at a bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt. "Sh** I can't go home like this my wife will kill me." The bartender sees this and says, "Put a $20 bill in your pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning."

So the guy goes home, and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies, "A drunk guy puked on me, and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning". To which his wife says, "Ok, well then, why do you have $40 in your hand?" "Because he also sh** in my pants."

8. The Bus Station and the Bust Sensation

u/PaniqueAttaque: What's the difference between an old public transit stop and a lobster with breast implants?

9. This One Will Leave You in Stitches

u/Sharrper: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?

10. Snake Humor Takes Center Stage

u/TheFlippingFurry: A snake walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "How?"

11. Little Girl's Prayer Leads to a Tale of Unsettling Coincidences

u/BloodAndBroccoli: Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime. She says," God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, and goodbye grandpa. He asks her, "Why did you say that? "I don't know, I just felt like saying it," she responds. The next day, Grandpa drops dead. Wow, now the dad thinks that's an odd coincidence.

A month later, at bedtime, the daughter says, "God bless mommy and daddy, and goodbye, grandma." Sure enough, the next day, Grandma breathes her last earthly breath.

The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence but is unsure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her because (Grandma and Grandpa were her parents).

Months go by, and one night, the man listens to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime. She says, "God bless Mommy," and turns her head, looks straight at him, and goes," Goodbye, Daddy." "What!? Are you sure, honey?" the dad asks; she nods. The man's heart begins racing, and he breaks out in a sweat. He was so upset he couldn't sleep at all that night.

The next day, he leaves work but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings, and awaits the inevitable.

He stays at work past five because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally, it is midnight, and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.

His wife is up and waiting for him, "Where were you today??" she asks. He replies, "Don't shout; I've had an absolutely miserable day." His wife then says, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps."

12. When Ice Cream Mishaps Took a Hilarious Turn

u/fakeaccount572: A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin walks around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat.

Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

13. Double Diagnosis Dilemma

u/Nick_the_Cuber: A guy went to see a doctor for a consultation. After the doctor's examination, he compiles a report.

Doctor: "I have two pieces of bad news."

Patient: "What are they?" the guy asks.

Doctor: "Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

Patient: "What's the 2nd piece of news?"

Doctor: "Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's." The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

14. Paddy and Mick's Unemployment Office Comedy

u/I-tells-jokes: Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's, and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew the elastic onto ladies' cotton panties and thongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week of unemployment pay. Mick, who was next and, when asked about his occupation, replied, "Diesel fitter." Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor." "What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs. Mick puts them over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter!"

15. Nun-Stop Adventure!

u/TerminallyCuriousCat: Two nuns go driving between convents. They're driving through the country when a vampire jumps onto the hood. The passenger nun says, "Quick! Show him your cross!" The other nun says, "Get the F*** off my car!"

16. Husband Hilarious Strategy to Test Wife's Hearing

u/bboycire: A man tells his friend that he thinks his wife's hearing is bad. His friend told him to ask a question from afar, get closer, and ask again to see if she does not respond. So he goes home and tries that.

He asks, "What's for dinner?" No response. So he got closer and asked again. He did this two more times, and finally, he heard from his wife, "For the fourth time, CHICKEN!"

17. Bear's Paws-itively Hilarious Encounter with Bartender

u/N8_Arseenal87: Bear walks into a bar and says, "Can I have a………Coke?" The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?" Bear says, "I don't know; I was born with them."

18. Prom Night Comedy: From Lines to Laughs

u/JasonDJ: There was a guy in high school who landed a date with the hottest girl in class for the prom. First, he went to pick out a suit and had to wait in a huge line. Then he went and picked out flowers and waited in a huge line.

Even when he called around for limos, he had to wait in hold lines for all of them. After the prom, there was even a long line at the pharmacy. Finally, the big night arrives, and he takes his dance to the prom. When they arrive, he asks his date if she wants him to get a drink, and she says yes. Much to his surprise, there was no punch line.

19. The Hippo and Zippo Joke

u/gajeeper1992: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.

20. Atomic Humor: The Masters of Making up Everything

u/zazzlekdazzle: Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

21. Heavenly Humor: John's Divine Mix-up Lands Him Fifth Place and a Toaster

u/SmegB: ''And the Lord said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life," but John came fifth and got a toaster.

22. Amputation Anecdote

u/dthains_art: Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He's all right now.

23. Meet Dave: The Guy with Connections

u/FlukeStarbucker1972: Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No problem, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just luck. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is shaken by now but still unconvinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me go upstairs, and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later, Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looked up and said, "It was the final straw; you and the Pope came out onto the balcony, and the man next to me said, 'Who the f*** is that on the balcony with Dave?'

24. Hunter's 911 Call Took a Dark Turn

u/SoonerPerfected: Two hunters were in the forest on a very hot day, and suddenly, one collapsed. His friend started to panic and dialed 911 to ask for help. They picked up and asked, "What seems to be the emergency?"

He replied, "My friend's collapsed and he's not breathing; I think he's dead!" The operator replied, "Well, before we do anything else, you need to make sure he's dead." The operator heard a gunshot from the other side of the phone, and the hunter said, "Now what?"

25. The Resourceful Visitor and His Magic Harvest

u/Leviosahhh: One day, a guy was driving down the road, and he came to a farmhouse. The man went up and knocked on the door. The farmer answered and said, "Howdy. Can I help you?"

The man replied, "Yes, sir. I noticed you have some Honeysuckle in your backyard." Farmer said, "Yes, Son, I do." The man asked, Do you mind if I get a couple pails of honey?"

The farmer laughed, saying, "You can't get honey from honeysuckle. "Let me try!" said the man. Two hours later, the man came walking up with two pails of honey. The farmer asked, "How did you do that?" "Ahhh. It's a secret!" exclaimed the man.

Two weeks later, another knock on the door. The farmer answered and said, "Howdy. Can I help you?" The man replied, "Yes, sir. I noticed you have some Milkweed in your backyard." Farmer said, "Yes Son, I do."

The man asked, "Do you mind if I get a couple of pails of milk?" The farmer laughed, saying, "You can't get milk from milkweed. "Let me try!" said the man. Two hours later, the man came walking up with two milk pails. The farmer asked, "How'd you do that??" "Ahhh. It's a secret!" exclaimed the man.

Two weeks later, the same guy comes knocking on the door. The farmer answered and said, "You again, What now?" The man stated, "I notice you got some P****willow in your backyard." Farmer said, "Hold on. I'm getting my hat and coming with ya!!"

26. The Couple Who Left Peter in a Dilemma

u/LordFarhaams: Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven. Do you have any questions?" The man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question; I will return when I have the answer." When he leaves at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. Peter returns six weeks later and says, "OK, I've found your answer.

Yes, you can get married in heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together." The couple responds by saying, "We have another question. Eternity is a very long time, and we are unsure if our relationship will last. If things don't work out, can we get a divorce in heaven?"

To which Peter replies, "Jesus Christ! It took me six weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"

27. From Tampons to Triumph: Meet the Master of Upselling

u/Mannyboy87: The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera, Queensland." The manager liked the Aussie, so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said, 'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 or 30 sales a day. "How much was the sale for?" The man replied, "£124,237.64p." The manager choked and exclaimed, "£124,237.64!! What did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat.

We went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and sold him the fur by four."

The manager, unable to believe it, said, "You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend, and I said. "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

28. The Guinness Challenge Was Met with a Clever Twist

u/ChopSticky: A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one accepts the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10-pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

29. Island Survival and Pineapple Punchline

u/[deleted]: One day, three people were stuck on an island with cannibals. The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you." So, the three people followed the orders of the cannibals. So the cannibals said, "Go into the forest and pick ten fruits of the first fruit you see."

So the first person came back out of the forest with ten apples. The cannibals said, "Put the apples up your buttocks without making a facial expression." The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.

The second person came back out of the forest with ten cherries. The cannibals said, "Put the cherries up your buttocks without making a facial expression." The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries, "Why did you start laughing?". The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."

30. The Charity Call Comedy

u/barstarr: I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to starving people around the world. I told them to f*** off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

31. The Navy Humor that Left Recruit Going in Circles

u/Ckarini: A Navy recruit speaks with the officer who assigned him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entryway, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touches the periscope."

The recruit follows orders and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by and says, "Son, I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys and heads to the mess hall.

He's cleaned about three dishes when the officer walks up again and says, "Listen here, recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says, "Oh yeah, this sub is full of reposts."

32. From College Classes to Comedic Conclusions

u/[deleted]: Two Newfoundland fishermen, Robert and Peter, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Robert turns to Peter and says," I'm tired of going through life without an education.

Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes. Peter agrees that it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Robert goes to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Robert says. "What's that? The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a lawn mower?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a lawn mower, I think you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says.

"Because you have a yard, logically, I think you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think you might logically have a family." "I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, logically, you must have a wife." "Yes, I do have a wife."

The dean says, "And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual," he responds. Then the dean says, "That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawn mower."

Excited to take the class now, Robert shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go and meet Peter at the bar. He tells Peter about his classes and how he signed up for Math, English History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Peter says, "What's that?" Robert says, "I'll show you. Do you have a lawn mower?" "No, Peter responds." "Then you're gay," adds Robert.

33. A Story of Two Cows in the Field

u/VenomousCentipede: Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says, "Hey, I'm really worried about this mad cow disease going around." The second cow says, "I don't care, I'm a submarine!"

34. Fish's Concrete Encounter Turned into a Funny Joke

u/[deleted]: What did the fish say when he swam into the cement wall? -- dam.

35. Grasshopper Humor

u/bayscout: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Frank?"

36. This One Caught You off Guard

u/delicious_sandwich: A magician was walking down the street. Then, he turned into a grocery store.

37. Muffins Hilarious Exchange

u/jenntasticxx: Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Boy is it hot in here!" And the other muffin says, "Ahhh! A talking muffin!"

Did the above jokes put a smile on your face? If so, consider sharing it with your family and friends to brighten their day. Remember, laughter is contagious, and a shared laugh is a priceless gift that creates connections and lifts spirits all around!"